Are you afraid of being alone?
11.06.2025 03:42
I was complete emotionally dependent on him with my filtered version. He still doesn't know the real me( I was scared if I will loose him if I show him my real side).
I use to feel always alone. Always. Though I had people around me and the most pampering childhood. But no one of my age who would understand my emotions well and play the exact game I want to. In schools I was introvert. If i ever made a friend I use to get replaced cause I was not like others. I was very calm. I did all the fun around people who i considered to be mine only bestie.
I was in hostel so it was all day studying hostel and not like pgs, nor Allen. It was like chaitnya and Narayana but some other college.
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I had good people around me. But eventually people fade or maybe I was just with them because I wanted to feel the void of my emptiness.
These days are not really great for me. I don't get the usual breakdowns like before. But I have this sudden ache in my heart and flashback of how people treated me since class 1. But i often crave for someone to listen to me. So that my head gets free.
Though now I'm sharing all to my bff(god). Although he watches me every sec and knows what exactly am doing.
I miss myself. But ik the real me…
Thank you for being here.
But sometimes I crave to be seen when I'm quiet externally and my head is full of thoughts which trying so hard to get out, but me shutting it down everytime cause no body cares.
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All the scars because some boy replaced me?
Or maybe it did. But i didn't care. Or I was running from the fact that I have no one.
Then i slowly developed this self love when I didn't even know what self love is. I loved my company. But as I entered into high school people around me forced to believe that you need people around. As I was always bullied in my high school.
This one question that left my eyes teary was.Will someone pick up the call if I call them mid night? - answer is sure shot (NO).
No no it was not only him. As i have been mentioning in my answers that I have been replaced many times since childhood. That kinda haunts me now but this fact never bothered me before.
Someday my prayers, my tears, my faith , my hardwork everything is going to give me answers that am actually trying to find for.
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Image source - me
I need to accept the fact that I have no one. Like no one….
At times I often think that is it me?Who was once geet…. complete package of chatter box anyone can ever find.
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As i was a kid.
Yeah, yeah ik my outfit was straight out of fairytale.
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After continuously failing people laugh at me and my dreams.
So grateful that atleast god listens to me. Without giving me advices of how and why…blah blah.. he just listens.
I have beautiful people in my friends list offline and online. But its just that I don't get the love I want.
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Anyways people leave. So did he. He was different for me but he did leave……not leave actually he replaced me at the end just like everyone. Even after knowing my scars. He concealed it with some cheap concealer( which were ofcourse his promises). Afterall it was cheap concealer. As time passes cheap concealer leaves patches on your face. Which does look like fresh scars which were highlighted.
Am I afraid of being alone? Not really…..Ok! well sometimes ofcourse when I see on quora people being hyped in comment section by someone' who has they back, instagram besties and many more.
Anyways after all this I got so humble yet so quiet.
Why is the covert narcissist actively avoiding me when they see me everyday?
How immature…
But my scars grew deeper & darker. So much so that I feel like no concealer nor any chemical peel treatment can fade them away.
I had no guts to make new friends. And then college happened.
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Yesterday my heart cried alot but not my eyes. Cause my eyes have no tears left. Now only my heart aches and cries. I may seem very quiet and happy in the outer world. But my inner world has collapsed so bad that I'm still finding my pieces to fix my heart’s puzzle. But how could I? I have left my parts with the people who never really cared about me.
I'm not looking for a boy to complete me.
As I have already mentioned I was in relationship 🤡. So I use to feel he is going to be with me. Big big joke.
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‘So I can't really expect someone to wipe my tears while they are bleeding internally”. - quote by me.
Understandable after all everyone is dealing with something or the other. That I have no idea about.
Which is true . I have no one.
Heheheh<3
Im trying to learn about me. The day isn't so far when I completely be fine with being my ownself. After all everyone is so tired to have me around. Nor am being myself anymore.
And do I have complains? - no not anymore.
Though these days I'm being hyped up by <3 Poonam in my comment section. Grateful that my virtual people are best than offline people.
I was always alone (no friends). Everyone around me were already in schools getting into high school. And I use to barely speak a word. As i was born late to my parents.
Toodles🦭
Although am still on the journey to heal my self so that my broken parts don't cut innocent people.